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Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.

Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier Method" of some kind can kill you.

My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, and a dimwitted has-been. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.

Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.

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